who would have thunketh that furnishing your bedroom would be SO complicated? there's all these different terms that i had no idea existed. it's like--housewive language. before school started, i had gotten a queen sized inflatable mattress (don't ask). then of course i would have had to get sheets for it. so, i go sheet shopping. as i was looking through, i realized that each package came with a fitted sheet, flat sheet, and usually two pillow cases--one if you get a twin sized. flat sheet? really? i get that it's flat.

as if two pillowcases weren't enough, you then had to shop for shams. unlike fitted sheet, you can't really tell what the heck a sham is by it's name. forget about context clues, if you just randomly said sham to me, i would have thought it was a kitchen appliance.

then there are duvets. and bedspreads. and quilts. and down. and down alternative. WHY is it that only the word "duvet" sound so french and confusing and WHY must you have a duvet for your down, or your down alternative, if you're going to have a bedspread or even a quilt? you don't need that many on top of you. you'd suffocate. and what exactly does "alternative" mean? and because i might be allergic to down feathers (which i don't even know what that's made out of), i would have to go for the alternative down...which to me might mean plastic.   

then you've got that damn thing that hangs off the box spring, or spring box, or mattress spring, or whatever, so that your bed's legs don't show. who the fack cares?! it's not like it's a woman. get me the no hassle bed frames with no ugly metal rolling legs. and can't i just get a blanket, a mattress sheet, and two pillowcases??

don't even get me started on "window treatments." it needs it's own freakin doctor.

baconator

i was cooking the other morning--six strips of bacon, to be exact--and while i was cooking, i didn't notice anything wrong all about me...i was happy, at 8AM making breakfast for my boyfriend...when all of a sudden he comes out and says that he thinks my bacon's done. and i'm just standing there thinking, how do you know? you didn't even come look at it!

.......they were ready.......a little too ready, and i didn't realize it until my apartment's fire alarm told me so. while that damn alarm was ringing me deaf, i was hoping on my life that this alarm didn't set off the rest of the alarms in the building. could you imagine?! everyone outside on the campus lawn because i was making six strips of bacon?! i would have dug myself a hole out there and buried myself in it.

so what could i do? i scrambled downstairs to the lobby to tell the security guards but before i could step an inch from the elevator, i saw a police officer heading my way and for some reason, a ridiculous grin came across my face and he looks at me and says:

"406, right?"

i wanted to say no, but of course i admitted it. i tried to explain myself, but he smiled and said that even shower smoke can set off the alarms because they were so sensitive. honestly, that did make me feel much better about myself. at least i didn't walk out of the shower and have the alarm go off on me. that's worse than bacon, i think.

so what did i learn from cooking bacon at school?

never to cook bacon on high.

or maybe never cook bacon at all.

i'll george-foreman them.